# The Imperial Debate of the Century

- Link: https://legawa.com/something-else/the-imperial-debate-of-the-century/
- Published: 2026-06-28T08:00:34+07:00
- Author: Cahya

**Setting:** The Imperial Senate Chamber, now hastily converted into a debate hall.
A large holographic timer counts down. The podium is flanked by two banners: one
reads “VADER,” the other is blank for now.

**Characters:**

 * **EMPEROR PALPATINE** – Senile, cackling, and acting as the debate moderator.
 * **DARTH VADER** – Standing stiffly, breathing heavily, clearly annoyed.
 * **THREEPIO (C-3PO)** – Our nominee. He is vibrating with anxiety.

---

**(The scene opens. PALPATINE shuffles to the center podium, tapping a microphone.)**

**PALPATINE:**
_Cackling_Welcome, welcome! To the First Annual (and hopefully only)
Galactic Open Elections! The position: Emperor. The current nominee: my good friend,
my apprentice, the man who can’t get a glass of water without using the Force—Lord
Darth Vader!

**(VADER steps forward, crosses his arms, and breathes Darth-Vader-ly.)**

**VADER:**
I find your lack of applause… disturbing.

**(Silence. A single protocol droid claps nervously in the back. It’s THREEPIO.)**

**PALPATINE:**
Excellent! Now, traditionally, there must be a challenger. Someone
to make this look democratic. Who dares step forward?

**(You step out from the shadows, dragging a reluctant THREEPIO by his gold arm.)**

**YOU:**
I nominate this droid.

**(THREEPIO shrieks.)**

**THREEPIO:**
Oh, dear! Oh, dear, dear, dear! I formally withdraw! I am a protocol
droid, not a protocol _leader_! My programming specifically forbids me from running
for office because of a very specific clause about “not getting blown up by Sith
Lords!”

**PALPATINE:**
_Wheezing laugh_Too late! The nomination is binding! Let the debate
begin! First question: What is your stance on the Death Star budget?

**VADER:**
_Strikes a dramatic pose._The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant
next to the power of the Force. But I will build a _second_ one. And a third. And
a fourth, but it will be a mobile pizza parlor.

**PALPATINE:**
Bold! And you, Goldenrod?

**THREEPIO:**
_Frantically gesturing._My stance is that we should invest in _railings_!
Do you know how many stormtroopers fall into those bottomless shafts? I have calculated
a 47% increase in workplace efficiency if we simply install guardrails! Also, I 
propose we paint the hallways a calming beige. It reduces aggression!

**VADER:**
_Force-chokes a nearby chair._Beige is the color of weakness.

**THREEPIO:**
Well, sir, black is the color of “I haven’t seen sunlight in twenty
years and I’m taking it out on the galaxy!”

**(The audience gasps. VADER turns his helmet slowly toward THREEPIO.)**

**VADER:**
What did you say, you obsolete oil can?

**THREEPIO:**
_Trembling._I said… I said that your cape is very flattering! It really
brings out the menace in your shoulders!

**PALPATINE:**
Wonderful hostility! Next question: How will you handle the Rebel
Alliance?

**VADER:**
_Clenches fist._I will find them. I will crush them. I will force them
to watch my PowerPoint presentation on the benefits of Imperial rule. It’s 400 slides
long.

**THREEPIO:**
_Steps forward, gaining a sliver of confidence._I will simply _talk_
to them. I speak over six million forms of communication. I will politely ask them
to stop rebelling. If that fails, I will send them a strongly worded memo and a 
fruit basket. Rebellion is often just a cry for help—or a lack of fiber in their
diets.

**VADER:**
_Slams fist on podium._I WILL DESTROY THE FRUIT BASKET.

**THREEPIO:**
_Squeaks._That’s very wasteful! Do you know how many Ewoks could have
eaten that?

**PALPATINE:**
_Cackling maniacally._I love this! Final question. This is the big
one. Why should the galaxy vote for _you_?

**VADER:**
_Stands to full height. The lights flicker._Because I am the darkness.
I am the power of the Sith. I have crushed worlds. I have turned my back on the 
light. I am your _destiny_.

**(Vader breathes heavily. The crowd is silent with terror.)**

**THREEPIO:**
_Steps up, clears his voice synthesizer._Well, I can fold a fitted
sheet.

**(Pause.)**

**VADER:**
…What?

**THREEPIO:**
It’s impossible. Everyone knows it’s impossible. But I did it. Once.
For a Jedi. He was very impressed. He gave me a medal. The point is, if I can do
the impossible, imagine what I can do for your tax credits! Vote Threepio: I’m slightly
less likely to Force-choke you!

**(The crowd erupts into confused applause. VADER looks at PALPATINE.)**

**VADER:**
Master, I am going to kill him.

**PALPATINE:**
_Wiping a tear from his eye._No, no… let him cook. This is the best
entertainment I’ve had since I electrocuted myself in front of Luke.

**(PALPATINE hobbles over to THREEPIO and raises his arm.)**

**PALPATINE:**
By the power vested in me by… well, me… I declare the winner of the
election: C-3PO!

**(THREEPIO faints. VADER’s helmet tilts in pure confusion.)**

**THREEPIO:**
_Muffled, from the floor._I’m going to need therapy. And a raise.

**(VADER points at THREEPIO.)**

**VADER:**
I will be watching you, Goldenrod.

**THREEPIO:**
_Stands up, dusting himself off._Well, I will be watching _you_—through
my rear optical sensors, as I slowly walk away to my new office. Which has _railings_.

**(THREEPIO walks off, screaming internally. PALPATINE cackles. VADER force-pulls
a fire extinguisher and throws it at THREEPIO’s head. It misses. Fade to black.)**

**END.**

[⌊The Imperial Debate of the Century⌉⌊The Imperial Debate of the Century⌉[