The Imperial Debate of the Century

Setting: The Imperial Senate Chamber, now hastily converted into a debate hall. A large holographic timer counts down. The podium is flanked by two banners: one reads “VADER,” the other is blank for now.

Characters:

• EMPEROR PALPATINE – Senile, cackling, and acting as the debate moderator.
• DARTH VADER – Standing stiffly, breathing heavily, clearly annoyed.
• THREEPIO (C-3PO) – Our nominee. He is vibrating with anxiety.

(The scene opens. PALPATINE shuffles to the center podium, tapping a microphone.)

PALPATINE:
Cackling
Welcome, welcome! To the First Annual (and hopefully only) Galactic Open Elections! The position: Emperor. The current nominee: my good friend, my apprentice, the man who can’t get a glass of water without using the Force—Lord Darth Vader!

(VADER steps forward, crosses his arms, and breathes Darth-Vader-ly.)

VADER:
I find your lack of applause… disturbing.

(Silence. A single protocol droid claps nervously in the back. It’s THREEPIO.)

PALPATINE:
Excellent! Now, traditionally, there must be a challenger. Someone to make this look democratic. Who dares step forward?

(You step out from the shadows, dragging a reluctant THREEPIO by his gold arm.)

YOU:
I nominate this droid.

(THREEPIO shrieks.)

THREEPIO:
Oh, dear! Oh, dear, dear, dear! I formally withdraw! I am a protocol droid, not a protocol leader! My programming specifically forbids me from running for office because of a very specific clause about “not getting blown up by Sith Lords!”

PALPATINE:
Wheezing laugh
Too late! The nomination is binding! Let the debate begin! First question: What is your stance on the Death Star budget?

VADER:
Strikes a dramatic pose.
The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force. But I will build a second one. And a third. And a fourth, but it will be a mobile pizza parlor.

PALPATINE:
Bold! And you, Goldenrod?

THREEPIO:
Frantically gesturing.
My stance is that we should invest in railings! Do you know how many stormtroopers fall into those bottomless shafts? I have calculated a 47% increase in workplace efficiency if we simply install guardrails! Also, I propose we paint the hallways a calming beige. It reduces aggression!

VADER:
Force-chokes a nearby chair.
Beige is the color of weakness.

THREEPIO:
Well, sir, black is the color of “I haven’t seen sunlight in twenty years and I’m taking it out on the galaxy!”

(The audience gasps. VADER turns his helmet slowly toward THREEPIO.)

VADER:
What did you say, you obsolete oil can?

THREEPIO:
Trembling.
I said… I said that your cape is very flattering! It really brings out the menace in your shoulders!

PALPATINE:
Wonderful hostility! Next question: How will you handle the Rebel Alliance?

VADER:
Clenches fist.
I will find them. I will crush them. I will force them to watch my PowerPoint presentation on the benefits of Imperial rule. It’s 400 slides long.

THREEPIO:
Steps forward, gaining a sliver of confidence.
I will simply talk to them. I speak over six million forms of communication. I will politely ask them to stop rebelling. If that fails, I will send them a strongly worded memo and a fruit basket. Rebellion is often just a cry for help—or a lack of fiber in their diets.

VADER:
Slams fist on podium.
I WILL DESTROY THE FRUIT BASKET.

THREEPIO:
Squeaks.
That’s very wasteful! Do you know how many Ewoks could have eaten that?

PALPATINE:
Cackling maniacally.
I love this! Final question. This is the big one. Why should the galaxy vote for you?

VADER:
Stands to full height. The lights flicker.
Because I am the darkness. I am the power of the Sith. I have crushed worlds. I have turned my back on the light. I am your destiny.

(Vader breathes heavily. The crowd is silent with terror.)

THREEPIO:
Steps up, clears his voice synthesizer.
Well, I can fold a fitted sheet.

(Pause.)

VADER:
…What?

THREEPIO:
It’s impossible. Everyone knows it’s impossible. But I did it. Once. For a Jedi. He was very impressed. He gave me a medal. The point is, if I can do the impossible, imagine what I can do for your tax credits! Vote Threepio: I’m slightly less likely to Force-choke you!

(The crowd erupts into confused applause. VADER looks at PALPATINE.)

VADER:
Master, I am going to kill him.

PALPATINE:
Wiping a tear from his eye.
No, no… let him cook. This is the best entertainment I’ve had since I electrocuted myself in front of Luke.

(PALPATINE hobbles over to THREEPIO and raises his arm.)

PALPATINE:
By the power vested in me by… well, me… I declare the winner of the election: C-3PO!

(THREEPIO faints. VADER’s helmet tilts in pure confusion.)

THREEPIO:
Muffled, from the floor.
I’m going to need therapy. And a raise.

(VADER points at THREEPIO.)

VADER:
I will be watching you, Goldenrod.

THREEPIO:
Stands up, dusting himself off.
Well, I will be watching you—through my rear optical sensors, as I slowly walk away to my new office. Which has railings.

(THREEPIO walks off, screaming internally. PALPATINE cackles. VADER force-pulls a fire extinguisher and throws it at THREEPIO’s head. It misses. Fade to black.)

END.